Sooo a strange title for this one but I was asked the question by my spiritual director
(a lovely lady who Clive and I go and see for half a day once every couple of months)
"Angela why do you avoid intimacy with God?"
Eeek I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to answer, in fact I don't think I knew the answer till much later in the day!!!.
Lets back track to why the question was asked, we had been looking at the passage in the bible where Jesus was on the lake side and shouting to Peter and the disciples to cast the nets on the other side of the boat as they had toiled all night and caught no fishes!
I had been encouraged to imagine myself in the boat and to be a part of the whole story she led Clive and I on journey through the passage and we were then encouraged to write down what we saw and gained from it, we then shared with her the out come!!
I began to share my experience 'Well I was in the boat and got excited as I have never fished before but after a whole day of waiting and catching nothing I wanted to go home!!' Clive laughed out loud at this as he knows me too well!!
I continued " I knew it was Jesus at the shore and nearly jumped in after Peter but didn't want to spoil his story!! Then when we were gathered around the fire I stood close to Jesus and held his hand"
I didn't eat the fish that Jesus cooked for me as I don't like fish!! another chuckle from Clive!
I saw Peter go of with Jesus I knew he was going to ask him questions, we were invited to go and talk with Jesus, I didn't want to go at first and when I did I asked Jesus questions but I never looked into his eyes!!
That's when the uncomfortable question came, I got to thinking about it later on when I was driving alone I got to think that maybe I know in my head that Jesus loves and accepts me but it hasn't reached my heart! I know I cant earn his love but I keep trying to! I didn't want to look into His eyes because I knew that He would look into my soul and boy its not all good in there!!!!
I am sharing my soul today in case any one else out there struggles with this unconditional love and grace and acceptance thing!! I know its real for others but I need to accept it for me.
I got to think about all the stories in the bible where Jesus accepted people and loved them when they were still in sin not when He had changed them and made them all new, Rahab the prostitute, The woman caught in adultery, The woman at the well to name but a few!
So glad Jesus is never gives up on us, I often feel I go five steps forward and 10 steps back but where ever I go I know He is always there.
