Theology verses love!!

Home is so so sweet when you have been spending time in a NHS establishment!!
I am not complaining I just prefer home!!
I really have had 5* treatment from nurses, nurse assistants, sisters, registrar's, radiographers, student nurses, porters and my all time favourite Mr Wong my amazing consultant!!

Nothing was ever any trouble for the staff they would answer your buzzer and with a smile get you to where you needed to be or get you what you needed!!
The domestics who served our food were so friendly and cheery! You know you have  been in too long when the domestic just brings you a boiled water without asking what you want to drink!!

That aside the time away took me to a dark side that I never want to experience again!
I have always romantically thought that when one goes through suffering and is nearing the end of lifes' journey you would feel so close to God and spiritually peace filled!!
The first night in my third hospital after a half an hour ride in a ambulance, I was placed in a 3 bedded room alone. I knew I was on a specialist ward I knew that this clot in my leg was pretty serious and that if it moved it could be fatal but what I felt mostly was 'alone!' My family are miles away there is no one else in this room but me! I started to cry! I talked to God! I didn't blame God, I told him that He didn't owe me anything I just wondered what was going on!!
I didn't feel his presence, I didn't get a visitation from angels, I was just laying there feeling alone!!
I then thought well maybe I am not at deaths door because I am just not getting that spiritual glow!!!

The days and night that followed humour stepped up and helped me through the days, Klove christian radio through my headphones on my phone got me through the nights.Tears were my night time ritual!

Visits, cards, love gifts, food delivered to my family, phone calls , more visits my amazing men in my life continued to support me through the roller coaster of continuous assessments and procedures.

Many people prayed and talked confidently of my healing I was prayed over, prayed for and anointed with oil  alas the clot remained at large in  my leg!!  I started to talk to God about healing and suffering, many people who are close to me are fighting worse battles than me, cancer, life changes due to strokes, terminal illnesses, and healing had not come miraculously to them!

Let me pause here and say I know that God heals today, one touch from Him and illness disappears, but I also know its His choice.
We can go into the theology of healing and what it means and if we discussed it here we all would have a different opinion. To me and to others its one of lifes mystery's.

It was about a couple of days before my release from hospital that I was mulling this all through and I especially was concerned at my lack of 'feeling' close to God!! When it hit me, I have felt something and that something was pretty overwhelming it was LOVE!! I felt overwhelmed with love from my family, friends, colleagues, extended church family, my American family, my face book family!!
This love was so much more powerful than theology or opinions of healing! and it sunk in deep that
that love was God showing Himself through other peoples arms and legs!!

Showing love to others whatever way you can is more powerful than discussing what you or they believe, why?  it shows them Jesus!

Rick Warren one of my favourtie authors and one well rounded good Godly guy tweeted this the other day and he speaks for me when he says
 " The greater the pain, the fewer the words you should use to comfort, just be with them"
This guy knows what suffering is his son commited suicide very recently.

Thank you does not really express how I feel to all who are reading this, your continued prayers and love will be so appreciated as I continue on the slow road of recovery  xx

Learn from the little ones!!

One Thursday night my youngest had just had a long swimming session and he's hungry!!! but he is only hungry for fast food!!!! So I find my self at a well known fast food place but the drive through looks like it would take me an hour so I park up and walk in  alone!! My son is obviously worn out from all that swimming!!
I stand in line it always makes me chuckle that its called fast food cos its so not!! but tonight  I stand patiently and I do one of my favourite things in life! I people watch!

A old man is standing two  in front of me, now when I say old man what do you imagine? A stooped old man with weathered skin?  No teeth and all scruffy? Well sorry to disappoint you but this old man was six foot tall stood up straight as me, he was balding and had very clean jogging bottoms on a clean white sports t shirt on. The very noticeable thing about him was he was holding two fifty pieces in his hand and his hands were shaking uncontrollably, So my imagination got flowing  I got sad, that poor man has Parkinson's  I thought  and doesn't have much money so has come into buy the cheapest thing.
Suddenly a little boy of about 5 goes up to this man and pulls at his arm, The man is tall and I think stiff so can only bend a little, I hear the little boy say to him  quietly
" Grandpa you haven't forgotten what I want have you? Grandpa beams at the little boy and beams and replies " No son I haven't" the boy must know that his Grandpa memory is not so good so says as he takes his shaky hand and say's " I will just stand with you anyway"
Now at this point I am nearly balling my eyes out because this gentle boy has taken hold of his extremely shaky hand not as an adult would to stop it shaking he has taken it as if he is going to walk down the road with him, there is soooo much love there, not sympathy just love and companionship!!
I had to look away as I really would of sobbed and not been able to order!

Unconditonal love is a beautiful thing and I so need to learn lessons from children who are so free with their love!

It got me thinking much later in the week about God's love it made me think how come God doesn't have favourites? How he loves unconditionally and he still has plenty of love for everyone wow!!
I need to have some of that love!
Eph ch 4 v 17 says That christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, beeing rooted and established in love, may have power,together with all the Lord's holy peopel, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this Love that surpasess knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

So if I want to be more loving I just need to be full of God simple lol!!

Avoiding itimacy with God!

                 Sooo a strange title for this one but I was asked the question by my spiritual director
(a lovely lady who Clive and I go and see for half a day once every couple of months)
                                           "Angela why do you avoid intimacy with God?"
Eeek I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to answer, in fact I don't think I knew the answer till much later in the day!!!.

Lets back track to why the question was asked, we had been looking at the passage in the bible where Jesus was on the lake side and shouting to Peter and the disciples to cast the nets on the other side of the boat as they had toiled all night and caught no fishes!

I had been encouraged to imagine myself in the boat and to be a part of the whole story she led Clive and I on journey through the passage and we were then encouraged to write down what we saw and gained from it, we then shared with her the out come!!

I began to share my experience 'Well I was in the boat and got excited as I have never fished before but after a whole day of waiting and catching nothing I wanted to go home!!' Clive laughed out loud at this as he knows me too well!!
I continued " I knew it was Jesus at the shore and nearly jumped in after Peter but didn't want to spoil his story!! Then when we were gathered around the fire I stood close to Jesus and held his hand"
I didn't eat the fish that Jesus cooked for me as I don't like fish!! another chuckle from Clive!
I saw Peter go of with Jesus I knew he was going to ask him questions, we were invited to go and talk with Jesus, I didn't want to go at first and when I did I asked Jesus questions but I never looked into his eyes!!

That's when the uncomfortable question came, I got to thinking about it later on when I was driving alone I got to think that maybe I know in my head that Jesus loves and accepts me but it hasn't reached my heart! I know I cant earn his love but I keep trying to! I didn't want to look into His eyes because I knew that He would look into my soul and boy its not all good in there!!!!

I am sharing my soul today in case any one else out there struggles with this unconditional love and grace and acceptance thing!! I know its real for others but I need to accept it for me.

I got to think about all the stories in the bible where Jesus accepted people and loved them when they were still in sin not when He had changed them and made them all new, Rahab the prostitute, The woman caught in adultery, The woman at the well to name but a few!

 

So glad Jesus is never gives up on us, I often feel I go five steps forward and 10 steps back but where ever I go I know He is always there.

 

Prayer a two way conversation?

 

I have been thinking a lot about prayer lately! People who are in so much pain or need ask for prayer and I immediately say I will pray and I do there and then and then when they come into my mind. I don't kneel for hours on end in intercession! I often talk to God in snatches usually when I am in the car when I think to turn the music or radio off! I often pray when I am running or when I am washing up!!

 

Lately I have been asking God questions like " Have I learnt my lesson?" and 'How do you view that person God' ( a person who I struggle to love) I should ask this question more often ' What should I do?' He doesn't  answer in an audible voice but a strong impression comes into my mind.

I realise that often I just rant at God or not even talk to Him at all and I know I do not take enough time to listen to Him.

 

I am challenging my self to talk to God more often and then ask Him if He has anything to say to me! Not just coming to Him with a list of people or problems and make it a two way relationship!!

 

 

 

 



I recently went on a retreat and it was very different from what I expected the major thing I received from it was different words for Jesus. Jehovah Shammah the abiding presence of Jesus.
In Ezekial Ch 48 v 35 a city is named The Lord is there!!

I wonder if I am the only one who ever feels that God is not close or that you don't feel him near, I often rely on my feelings instead of the fact that God has promised never to leave or forsake us.

Well I got my reminder this weekend 'He is always there' in fact He is here there and everywhere!!

We often here the saying "We don't know what's around the corner" well actually its true we don't! but we do know who will be there, God!!

So many of my dear friends are suffering right now with illness or they or their families are suffering in someway. I know that when I pray I am praying to a God who is already there. He is there for us to talk to, scream at, be still with, cry with  pout with!! Rejoice with. We cant run away from him because He is always there!!

Jehovah Shammah everyone.

Loving one another

This morning I read the verse in John 13 when Jesus said "They will know that you are my disciples if you love one another" It started me thinking about what love looks like!!
Jesus showed how he loved by reaching down to those who were outcasts, sick, the rejected the untouchables. He spoke to them, touched them, healed them spent time with them.
Often our days are filled with meeting people who are hurting on the inside not so many on the outside so how do we love on those people?
Today I spoke to someone who couldn't forgive someone who had hurt her family years ago. She knew she should forgive as she was a catholic and her comment was "They haven't said sorry and I am not Jesus."
I shared the above verse with her and encouraged her not to let that person live rent free in her head and to let the past go! Did I love on her? Did she feel condemnation from me or compassion?
Love is not a feeling its more like an action,

 

Loving on people is serving its in the little things, love is in the listening, the caring, the going the extra mile its not always in the emotion.

 

So my challenge when I read that verse today was for me to love on people and only when I do that will others see that I am a Jesus follower!

Perfection is alusive as a rainbows end!

Its been a while since I blogged that's because I cant get on to the computer there is always little hands on it!! So if anyone would like to kindly donate a ipad to me just for blogging I would be sooo grateful lol!!!

So I have been thinking alot about perfection and what we as a society define perfection as!
Last week I was going to start by saying I am sat typing this with my dark roots down to my ears, my eyebrows are in such need of shaping that they are scarily becoming a monobrow and I am carrying 14 pounds of fat that I should be carrying!! But alas I now have blond hair again and I punished my eyebrows into submission last night!! But the pounds are still there!!!

I do not aim for perfection but I always want better so I must have that in my head to be slimmer, brighter better! The world surrounds us with photos of what we should be looking like half of the photos are airbrushed but do we still hanker for the worlds view of perfection.

The world is ugly there is hatred and hunger and loss and disunity and homelessness and we don't like to look at it, it makes us feel uncomfortable but its real and so not perfect. This is the world we are living in and I know that me striving for perfection is not going to change any of that what I want to do is accept the imperfect and love those who are imperfect just like Jesus would do and try and make a imperfect world a little better by loving and giving and sharing and reaching out to those who no one will touch.

I read this the other day its deep so stick with it!!
In out throwaway culture, perfectly good goods are
discarded because they have in some way become flawed , slightly broken, or simply no
longer of a desire colour. The waste is atrocious.

In our throw away culture, perfectly good people are
discarded because they are presumed to be in some
way flawed, in some way broken , or the wrong colour.
The waste is abominable. Even insurance companies
will refuse life-cover for some of these.

The presumption is perfection against which judgements
are made discarding decided. But perfection is as elusive as a rainbows end.
And Jesus, broken by the brutality of the cross, showed in his life the broke
openness of compassion to those beyond any margins  we dare impose.