Be kind to yourself!

One of the Ten Commandments says 'Love your neighbour as you love yourself' Matthew ch 22 v 39 I have read this many times and only today has something really hit home!!
 I thought I was good at loving myself! I feed and clothe myself I try and get some exercise
and the right amount of sleep! But what I read today in a great book I am reading
'Naked spirituality' by Brisn D. Mclaren I am not my own friend!! I am often my own enemy!!
 Brian Mclaren writes ' If my friend made a mistake, I would tell him that it was ok,
 that nobody is perfect. But when I make a mistake, I would Constantly beat myself up and mercilessly take myself to task,
 If a friend was working to hard, I would tell him to relax, To take a day off go fishing or play golf.But down inside me was a cruel task master who was never satisfied.
 If a friend had some weaknesses, I would be gracious and compassionate but not to myself..
 But God used a random quote from Abraham Lincoln
 'I desire to so conduct the affairs of this administration that if, at the end....
 I have lost every friend on earth,I shall have one friend left,
and that friend shall be down inside of me!'
' This quote made me realise that I need to take Jesus words seriously
loving others as I love myself which requires me first to be a friend to myself!!'
 So how do we become our own friends?? Brian Mclaren continues
'Learn to stand with God and see yourself as needy,weak,limited and imperfect, edgy stressed!frightened or troubled.
BUT you don't criticise, condemn! chide or or reject yourself,
rather you join God in God's desire for your own expansion and well being.
You join God in wanting the best for yourself,and in that light,
 you make your request to God for your friend yourself!!'


 God forgives us I need to forgive myself as quickly as I forgive others,
 God shows mercy and grace I need to show Grace and mercy to myself as I do to others!!
 Are you a good friend to yourself????

There is no I in TEAM!

I recently got to see an amazing team of people work in a surgery procedure!! It was surreal as they were working on me and I could see and hear most of what they were doing! So here is an intro to the team: Mr M- consultant radiologist Sue - theatre nurse Lorraine - theatre nurse and general supporter of the patient! Mr W - consultant radiologist who comes in half way through procedure Pat - radiographer who works the huge scanning machine! Saahee- registrar and observer The team welcome me in and make me comfortable, I ask Mr M if he would please talk to me as he does the procedure he assures me he will, I also like a big kid ask if I could have the filter in a tube to take home when it's removed! he agrees to this even though it's not hospital policy!! I like him already!! The procedures starts, I have an injection in my neck after I have been covered and kitted out with a paper hat!! Then Mr M cuts my neck and starts to feed a tube down into my abdomen and down into my leg to have a look at clotty!! Lorraine and I start to talk about my new job and I share how it's amazing that I am working at all and share with them how I have had lots of prayer and that my amazing church have provided me with an automatic car! Mr M says " wow that is amazing " I didn't realise he was listening!! The team are laughing and listening to each other at the same time doing there job, then suddenly Lorraine slips her hand under the green covering and squeezes mine I think she saw in my face discomfort as I didn't wince!! Next Mr M asks for a tube as it's time for the filter to be removed! Sue is on the side nearest to him and she passes him everything he needs! The filter is very hard to latch on to and I am sensing the team are all routing for Mr M, after 1 1/2 hours it will not come out! Mr W comes in and suggests other ways he could remove it, he tries everything he says, then the nurses suggest another way that another consultant has tried, Mr M suggest that they should get this consultant on the phone,unfortunately he couldn't be reached! the nurses and Mr W decide that they are going to work a different way and make up a different tube and instrument to get this out!! I spoke up then and said to DR M "it's a good job you don't have a big ego, as you are working so well together as a team and your listening to everyone's advice" he replied " When I start playing God then I will start making mistakes!" The procedure took another painful hour but the last few minutes the team held there breath as he pulled the filter out and they all applauded!! Not one person was more import than the other, they all had chance to express their opinions, all were valued in their important roles. Dr M could of easily sent Dr W out as it was his procedure. The nurses were never put down or told they had spoken out of turn! Whatever team you are on be a team player value each other listen to each other don't play God that's not your role!!thats Gods!! Rom 12v3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

Eucharisteo

So I have on my wall in huge colourful letters the word
Eucharisteo made by my lovely arty soul sista!
Everyone whoever sits for a while in our lounge eventually looks up and looks at the letters and says " why do you have that word up there" and I tell them " The word is where thanksgiving comes from and it reminds me to be thankful!!
For those who know me well know that  I am a fan of  Ann Voskamps book 10,000 gifts this is who introduced me to the word and it's meaning and got me to start listing all that I was thankful for and boy it changes your life!!!

“Joy is the realest reality, the fullest life, and joy is always given, never grasped. God gives gifts and I give thanks and I unwrap the gift given: joy.”
― Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You are.

Finding joy in the smallest thing, thanking god for everything makes you view the world so differently and makes you realise how rich you are!

This last month I was told that I most probable won't run again and will always have a swollen leg and my veins will not go back to the way they were, yes I was shocked and sad but I as I have processed it I have started to be thankful for my toes!!! the consultant said Two other ladies who had the same May Thurners Syndrome as me had both lost their toes!! My thankful list started to grow as I thought, I am walking! A month ago I couldn't do that! I am walking without a stick two weeks ago I couldn't do that!!

I can now drive!!!! well that's because of a kind and generous church member who bought a automatic car and has given me it for a year!! Then the wonderful church family paid for the insurance!!  all this so I could start my job as a Gap year coordinator for Youth for Christ!

The list gets longer I start my job and I am assigned an amazing group of young Americans who love god love each other and work so well together and even laugh at my quirky humour!!!! god knows what He is doing, and when we thank Him our lives become richer.

So what are you thankful for start your list once you start you will be amazed at how much God had blessed you with !

Growing strong in weakness

So it's now been two whole months since clotty grew to really like it in my leg!!! Now I have named her clotty to make it sound nicer than it really is but I really don't like her at all!
She stops me doing what I want to do!! Like drive,run,play tennis with my boys!! I guess what gets me the most is having to rely on others and Not be as independent as I usually am! Walking with a stick makes You feel vulnerable and weak.
 I would love to know when clotty will leave and when I will get back to being me again.
 Today Clive and I talked about our fears my biggest one would be to stay as I am! Something I know I would just have to accept!!

 A lovely guy prayed for me this week he prayed that I would have 'Peace in patience' that pierced my soul it is so where I am at!!! It's ok to wait when you know that at the end of the queue you will get served, or at the end of labour you get a baby!!! But when your waiting to find out what your life will look like that's a different kind of waiting!
It's not easy being patient this last year I haven't been reading a devotional I wanted a break from it, it's written like Jesus is speaking to you.
 I was at my sisters and she had a copy so I picked it up and today's date was what I read

 Grow strong in your weakness some of my children I've gifted with abundant strength
others like you, have received the humble gift of frailty.
Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith.
On the contrary,weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on me to get through the day.
 I am developing your ability to trust me,to lean on me rather than your own understanding.
Your natural preference is for you to plan out your day, knowing what will happen when.
My preference is for you to depend on ME continually, trusting me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in weakness.
 Wow was this written just for me?????? Hard lesson to keep learning!!!!!
So the waiting continues!!!

Theology verses love!!

Home is so so sweet when you have been spending time in a NHS establishment!!
I am not complaining I just prefer home!!
I really have had 5* treatment from nurses, nurse assistants, sisters, registrar's, radiographers, student nurses, porters and my all time favourite Mr Wong my amazing consultant!!

Nothing was ever any trouble for the staff they would answer your buzzer and with a smile get you to where you needed to be or get you what you needed!!
The domestics who served our food were so friendly and cheery! You know you have  been in too long when the domestic just brings you a boiled water without asking what you want to drink!!

That aside the time away took me to a dark side that I never want to experience again!
I have always romantically thought that when one goes through suffering and is nearing the end of lifes' journey you would feel so close to God and spiritually peace filled!!
The first night in my third hospital after a half an hour ride in a ambulance, I was placed in a 3 bedded room alone. I knew I was on a specialist ward I knew that this clot in my leg was pretty serious and that if it moved it could be fatal but what I felt mostly was 'alone!' My family are miles away there is no one else in this room but me! I started to cry! I talked to God! I didn't blame God, I told him that He didn't owe me anything I just wondered what was going on!!
I didn't feel his presence, I didn't get a visitation from angels, I was just laying there feeling alone!!
I then thought well maybe I am not at deaths door because I am just not getting that spiritual glow!!!

The days and night that followed humour stepped up and helped me through the days, Klove christian radio through my headphones on my phone got me through the nights.Tears were my night time ritual!

Visits, cards, love gifts, food delivered to my family, phone calls , more visits my amazing men in my life continued to support me through the roller coaster of continuous assessments and procedures.

Many people prayed and talked confidently of my healing I was prayed over, prayed for and anointed with oil  alas the clot remained at large in  my leg!!  I started to talk to God about healing and suffering, many people who are close to me are fighting worse battles than me, cancer, life changes due to strokes, terminal illnesses, and healing had not come miraculously to them!

Let me pause here and say I know that God heals today, one touch from Him and illness disappears, but I also know its His choice.
We can go into the theology of healing and what it means and if we discussed it here we all would have a different opinion. To me and to others its one of lifes mystery's.

It was about a couple of days before my release from hospital that I was mulling this all through and I especially was concerned at my lack of 'feeling' close to God!! When it hit me, I have felt something and that something was pretty overwhelming it was LOVE!! I felt overwhelmed with love from my family, friends, colleagues, extended church family, my American family, my face book family!!
This love was so much more powerful than theology or opinions of healing! and it sunk in deep that
that love was God showing Himself through other peoples arms and legs!!

Showing love to others whatever way you can is more powerful than discussing what you or they believe, why?  it shows them Jesus!

Rick Warren one of my favourtie authors and one well rounded good Godly guy tweeted this the other day and he speaks for me when he says
 " The greater the pain, the fewer the words you should use to comfort, just be with them"
This guy knows what suffering is his son commited suicide very recently.

Thank you does not really express how I feel to all who are reading this, your continued prayers and love will be so appreciated as I continue on the slow road of recovery  xx

Learn from the little ones!!

One Thursday night my youngest had just had a long swimming session and he's hungry!!! but he is only hungry for fast food!!!! So I find my self at a well known fast food place but the drive through looks like it would take me an hour so I park up and walk in  alone!! My son is obviously worn out from all that swimming!!
I stand in line it always makes me chuckle that its called fast food cos its so not!! but tonight  I stand patiently and I do one of my favourite things in life! I people watch!

A old man is standing two  in front of me, now when I say old man what do you imagine? A stooped old man with weathered skin?  No teeth and all scruffy? Well sorry to disappoint you but this old man was six foot tall stood up straight as me, he was balding and had very clean jogging bottoms on a clean white sports t shirt on. The very noticeable thing about him was he was holding two fifty pieces in his hand and his hands were shaking uncontrollably, So my imagination got flowing  I got sad, that poor man has Parkinson's  I thought  and doesn't have much money so has come into buy the cheapest thing.
Suddenly a little boy of about 5 goes up to this man and pulls at his arm, The man is tall and I think stiff so can only bend a little, I hear the little boy say to him  quietly
" Grandpa you haven't forgotten what I want have you? Grandpa beams at the little boy and beams and replies " No son I haven't" the boy must know that his Grandpa memory is not so good so says as he takes his shaky hand and say's " I will just stand with you anyway"
Now at this point I am nearly balling my eyes out because this gentle boy has taken hold of his extremely shaky hand not as an adult would to stop it shaking he has taken it as if he is going to walk down the road with him, there is soooo much love there, not sympathy just love and companionship!!
I had to look away as I really would of sobbed and not been able to order!

Unconditonal love is a beautiful thing and I so need to learn lessons from children who are so free with their love!

It got me thinking much later in the week about God's love it made me think how come God doesn't have favourites? How he loves unconditionally and he still has plenty of love for everyone wow!!
I need to have some of that love!
Eph ch 4 v 17 says That christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, beeing rooted and established in love, may have power,together with all the Lord's holy peopel, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this Love that surpasess knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

So if I want to be more loving I just need to be full of God simple lol!!

Avoiding itimacy with God!

                 Sooo a strange title for this one but I was asked the question by my spiritual director
(a lovely lady who Clive and I go and see for half a day once every couple of months)
                                           "Angela why do you avoid intimacy with God?"
Eeek I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to answer, in fact I don't think I knew the answer till much later in the day!!!.

Lets back track to why the question was asked, we had been looking at the passage in the bible where Jesus was on the lake side and shouting to Peter and the disciples to cast the nets on the other side of the boat as they had toiled all night and caught no fishes!

I had been encouraged to imagine myself in the boat and to be a part of the whole story she led Clive and I on journey through the passage and we were then encouraged to write down what we saw and gained from it, we then shared with her the out come!!

I began to share my experience 'Well I was in the boat and got excited as I have never fished before but after a whole day of waiting and catching nothing I wanted to go home!!' Clive laughed out loud at this as he knows me too well!!
I continued " I knew it was Jesus at the shore and nearly jumped in after Peter but didn't want to spoil his story!! Then when we were gathered around the fire I stood close to Jesus and held his hand"
I didn't eat the fish that Jesus cooked for me as I don't like fish!! another chuckle from Clive!
I saw Peter go of with Jesus I knew he was going to ask him questions, we were invited to go and talk with Jesus, I didn't want to go at first and when I did I asked Jesus questions but I never looked into his eyes!!

That's when the uncomfortable question came, I got to thinking about it later on when I was driving alone I got to think that maybe I know in my head that Jesus loves and accepts me but it hasn't reached my heart! I know I cant earn his love but I keep trying to! I didn't want to look into His eyes because I knew that He would look into my soul and boy its not all good in there!!!!

I am sharing my soul today in case any one else out there struggles with this unconditional love and grace and acceptance thing!! I know its real for others but I need to accept it for me.

I got to think about all the stories in the bible where Jesus accepted people and loved them when they were still in sin not when He had changed them and made them all new, Rahab the prostitute, The woman caught in adultery, The woman at the well to name but a few!

 

So glad Jesus is never gives up on us, I often feel I go five steps forward and 10 steps back but where ever I go I know He is always there.